According to several articles, the most romantic line from a romantic movie is from “Jerry McGuire” where Tom Cruise tells Rene Zellwigger, “You complete me.” But the truth is, no one on the earth was created to complete you. No one was created to make you happy. No one was created to bring you real joy. The only person to ever live to do all of that was Jesus Christ.
However, when we date or marry, we end up bringing things into our relationship that can hinder intimacy. Some things we are aware of and others are hidden. Tim Keller said, “Marriage has a way of introducing you to yourself.” That is so true. I want to briefly talk about 6 things we bring that can harm our relationship if we are unaware they exist.
Almost always, we bring in unrealistic expectations. We believe we should not have to work at our marriage. I think I should always feel in love. We falsely believe we should not have problems we can’t solve. John Gottman’s research tells us that 69% of issues in marriage will never be resolved. Things like personality differences, libido differences, financial stresses or in-law stress all take more than one conversation to resolve.
We also underestimate our differences. Some of us are night owls while our partners are early risers. Some of us are extroverted while our spouse is an introvert. Some of those differences came out of our house of origin. So, your dad fixed everything in the house but your husband, not so much. Your mom always had dinner on the table by 5:30pm but you find yourself helping cook dinner.
At times, we have unmet needs. As humans, we have a need to feel protected and provided for. We have sexual needs and emotional needs. Rather than asking why our spouse is not meeting our needs, we should be asking how we can better meet our spouse’s needs. If we both ask that question, we’ll both be taken care of.
You might bring unresolved anger into your relationship. Maybe you have never worked through the challenges your parents laid on you or that sibling rilvary. You may have unresolved issues that happened to you as a young child and you’ve never gotten counseling. Because you’ve not worked through these issues, you answer your spouse with defensiveness and harsh tones. It’s hard to have intimacy when anger is present.
You could have helicopter parents. Even in your adulthood, you seek out their input over your spouse’s. When there’s an argument, you call dad/mom because you know they always think of you as their little one and will take your side no matter. But parents, if this is you, it’s time to let go so that your kids can mature, grow, and learn, discovering who they are as a married couple.
Finally there’s unrepentant sin. You have that secret sin compartmentalized and tucked away. As long as she doesn’t know, it will be alright. As long as he doesn’t find out, it will be fine. But sin in your life will always get in the way of intimacy. And not only intimacy with your spouse but your relationship with God as well.
So the challenge is to do two things. One, do some self-reflection and discover what you have brought into the relationship that you need to deal with. Second, pray out loud every night together for the next two weeks. It allows time for you to hear what’s on the heart of our spouse and begin breaking down the walls that have hindered intimacy. Blessings on the journey.