Foundation Matters.

Last year, I had to have some foundation work done on my house. One hold side had sunk about one inch and the drop had created some cracks in the drywall inside. The crew came out to lift up the house back to level and for a few thousands bucks, everything was right again.

Our relationships with each other are so important. No earthly relationship more important than your marriage. So, building it on the right foundation will make all the difference when the storms of life come. Jesus knew that too and tells us in Matthew 7 about two home builders. One built on bedrock and the other on shifting sand. Storms came with rains, floods and wind. The house built on sand came crashing down.

The material we use to build our marriage is critical. Using the wrong materials will not allow us to withstand the storm. Some of the things that create storms in our marriage are the baggage we bring from past relationships or how we spend or save money or how we discipline the kids or our harsh tones or disrespect. But when we decide to offer mutual respect to each other and offer unconditional love to each other, we find the storms are more likely to be survivable.

See, the storm reveals what materials make up the house. Many times, we first worry about aesthetics in the house rather than the foundation. But Jesus uses the word “Moro” in Matthew 7 in the original language. “Moro” is where we get our English word, “Moron” from. If you don’t pay attention to the foundation your building, Jesus calls you a moron.

So, don’t put undo pressure on your spouse by expecting them to meet every need you have. No one was created to complete you. Like all things, time plus pressure equals a cracked foundation. Equally, don’t create moments where unreasonable disappointment will exists. When your spouse doesn’t live up to your expectations, you feel disappointed. Then, you’ll begin looking for someone else to make you “feel” like you hoped someone else would.

At the end of the day, no relationship will ever be as intimate, as deep, as close as you hoped for without Jesus Christ in the middle of it. So, start today making Jesus the priority in your relationship. It’s the most impactful thing you can do to create a long-lasting one. Also, start today praying together out loud while holding hands. Do this for two weeks and see the difference it makes in your relationship. Blessings on the journey.

Breaking Walls in Relationships.

Lawrence Ripple was tired of the nagging. He and Dori had been married 20 years. They lived in Kansas City in 2016 but the day came when he’d had enough. So he went downtown to a bank, handed a note to the teller. The note read, “Give me all your money. I have a gun.” So, the teller handed over about $2900. Lawrence then calmly sat down on a couch in the bank and began talking to the security guard until the police came.

The police arrested Lawrence but discovered he had no gun. When they asked Lawrence why he did it, he replied, “It was the only way to get away from my nagging wife.” Ironically when it came time for him to stand in front of the judge, she had the ability to give him 37 months in jail but, because she knew the reason for his action, instead, sentenced him to house arrest for six months.

I’ve heard from many, marriage can be like a ball and chain but it doesn’t have to be if we decide to enter into that relationship with the mind of Christ. By looking at the life of Christ, we discover that relationship requires sacrifice. Jesus reminds us of God’s intent for marriage in Mark 10 when he says, “a person leaves their mom and dad and is united with their spouse…” The word “united” in the original language means to “grab hold of and pursue with everything you have.” It’s the same type of language used in Deuteronomy as the book describes God’s love and relationship with us.

So, how do I pursue my spouse with everything I have? While no human relationship will ever be perfect, we can look at Jesus’ life as reflected in Philippians 2 to discover what sacrifice looks like. What we see is that Jesus’ love is filled with unselfish humility. There’s no easy hack for that…it’s just hard. Jesus left everything for you and me…he made himself nothing. How do you break down walls in your relationship? You make yourself nothing, considering others as more important than yourself.

And if we are going to look like Jesus in our relationship, you must give undeserved grace. Grace is what tore down the wall between you and God. So, we look to text like Ephesians 4:32 for guidance where Paul says, “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Or 1 Corinthians 13 where Paul reminds us that love doesn’t keep record of wrongs. You want to tear down the walls, don’t keep a record of wrong but extend undeserved grace.

And finally, find the most generous explanation for your spouse’s behavior, then believe it. We should believe that the one to whom we said, “I do”, is good-willed and has good intentions. Now that doesn’t mean we put off working on things or put off difficult conversations but in your heart, we are believing they really mean well.

As believers in Jesus, we should be the best people in the world to practice this idea. So that’s the challenge, lean into your marriage and take on the personality of Jesus Christ. Someone has to take the first step in your relationship to show Jesus, why not you? You’ve got this. And He’s got you. Blessings on your journey.

A Little Love & Respect.

Ephesians 5 is one of the most difficult passages for most married people to take in. We can read it and nod our heads and say, “That’s so nice!” but then walk away with absolutely no way to apply it.  In fact, Ephesians 5 often causes our old Adam to well up in the worst of ways, pointing fingers at ways our spouse fails us daily or, in worst cases, ending marriages in the heartache and trauma of devaluing and abuse.  So we avoid it. We avoid reading it; we avoid discussing it; and we hope and pray that our pastor doesn’t preach about it on Sunday.  

But Ephesians 5 has all we need to know to have a marriage that thrives. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not talking about a marriage that’s any easier than your neighbors’, or a marriage that’s “happier” or more “successful.” I’m talking about a marriage that’s fulfilling through the hard work and effort of each spouse. A marriage guided by the Spirit, struggling in the day-to-day, and finding joy in the journey together.

Ephesians 5 presents two ingredients: 1) husbands love your wives, and 2) wives respect your husbands. Easier said than done. God intends each person to contribute, but He gave us the Holy Spirit, and a lot of love and grace and forgiveness to fill in the gaps where we live as sinner and saint. So, let’s agree to discuss it. Let’s digest even a tiny bit of what love and respect might look like in this small space of the Internet.

1. Assume the best in your spouse. This underlies everything in your marriage. Do you believe that your spouse has your best interests in mind? Do you believe God has your best interest in mind? We trust in God because He is God and He is perfect. We also trust in Him because we know Him and know that He has our best interest in mind. Who is our next closest relationship? Who do we know so deeply that we have committed a lifetime to getting to know every tiny piece of him or her? Our spouse. When frustration and hurt begin to well up in an argument or circumstance we can put the best perspective on what our spouse is saying and doing because we believe in this person as a complete partner in the relationship, as someone with our best interest in mind.

2. Talk nicely. It sounds simplistic, but the tongue really gets us into so much trouble. The Bible addresses this over and over. We tend to reserve our patient tongues, our reserved tongues for those outside of our home, and let the wagging and lashing flow where we are most comfortable. The problem is that this leaves our spouse feeling undervalued and disrespected, unloved. God created the second chance, the rephrase, to show care and concern for those closest to us.

Husbands loving their wives. Wives respecting their husbands. Christ doing all of it in us, showing a weary world through our little marriage just who He really is.  It’s not easy, but He’s always worth it. Blessings on the journey.

Light it up!

You know, no one ever wakes up and says, “Today is the day I ruin my spouse’s life.” It just doesn’t happen like that. If there is disappointment, it is usually slow and subtle. But every decision we make today, for good or bad, will have ripple effects that will effect our spouse, our kids, our friends and those we hold dearest.

It’s like the garden scene in Genesis 2-3. Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden and told by God they could do anything except eat from The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. We don’t know how long they were in the garden but eventually, Satan entered, he tempted them both, they ate of the tree and sin entered the world along with shame and guilt.

Have you have felt ashamed of choices you made? Have you ever been guilty of something? Well, yes. We all have felt both of those things in our lives. Because of sin, we feel shame and guilt. But there is a remedy.

We discover in Ephesians 5:8-11 that before we met Jesus and accepted him as Lord, we lived in darkness. We were dark-living people. What is so true is that shame grows in darkness and healing only happens in the light. See, Satan, wants to keep us in the dark. He wants to isolate us. He wants to convince us that we can journey alone and we don’t need community. And the shame and guilt we feel when we make poor choices, Satan would say it’s part of our identity. It’s who we are. When we are alone, in darkness, we begin to believe his voice.

I’m reminded though God has already told me who I am. He says I’m made in his image. I’m his child. I’m part of his family. God is light. Jesus is light. We are called to be people of light…to live in the light. Satan wants us to live in secrecy but we discover that secrecy is the enemy of intimacy in all our relationships.

So, if you are struggling in your life, use truth with your spouse and with God to come into the light. Healing only happens in the light. See, we confess our sin to God for forgiveness and we confess our sin to people for healing.

Gather our accountability group. Get into and read God’s Word. Become part of a faith group. Begin speaking to God through prayer. Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy. If you want the burden you’ve been carrying to be removed, Jesus says, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavily burdened and I will give you rest.” What are you waiting for? Press through the pain of truth to get to the peace of healing. I know you are ready. It’s time to live as people of light. Blessings on your journey.

We go together like...

When you’re dating it seems many times, opposite attract. However after years of being together in marriage, those same qualities can attack. Maybe you started out by talking about how laid back they were but now, they are lazy. Or how put together they are and organized but now they are so controlling. The same characteristics that seem to attract now attack.

God uses our differences to enhance our marriage but Satan can use those differences to tear us apart, especially if we are not intentional about some priorities we’ve set for our marriage.

First, we must make God our ONE and our spouse our TWO. If we set this as the priority in our life, everything else will follow. Now, we are still going to disagree and have conflict. We are not going to see eye to eye on every issue. There may be days that you just need some distance to reset but if we make God our priority, we’ll always come at our partnership selflessly.

We also have to pursue our two and state daily in words and action that marriage is about “we”, not “me”.

What we must realize is our marriage is a covenant, not a contract. Here’s the difference. A contract is based on mutual distrust. It’s the idea that I’m in this as far as you are in. I don’t trust you enough so I want you to sign a piece of paper to promise me you’ll do what you say you’ll do.

A covenant is based on mutual commitment. Go to Genesis 15 when God cuts a covenant with Abram. He doesn’t have any kids yet but God says he’ll have more kids than the stars in the sky and the world will be blessed through his lineage (a foreshadowing of Jesus). God makes a promise, more than a contract, to Abram. It’s serious stuff.

So in our marriages we say “for better or worse…until death do us part”. However, many times at the first difficult season, we part ways and say good bye. If we are truly making our life based on our love for Jesus and following his character, then we’ll follow biblical examples of healthy marriage.

Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:21-33 what a healthy marriage looks like. He reminds us a covenant partnership is Godly leadership and mutual submission. Now that doesn’t mean ordering someone around and demeaning a spouse. Paul calls us to mutual submission and to husbands to love our wives like Jesus loves the church…to the extent we’d give our lives selflessly for her.

Paul reminds us of the key in Ephesians 5:33, “the husband loves his wife and the wife respects her husband.” The more I truly love my wife, the more she will respect my position as the spiritual lead in the family. The more she respects me as a man of God, the more I am compelled to love her in multiple ways. It’s a beautiful cycle once you get it moving in the right direction.

So, who begins? The one that’s more mature. Your marriage will be as good as both of you decide it will be. You can only change you so why not begin today? Loving your spouse; being committed to your promise; deciding to change for the better…these are all choices you must make daily. Every morning I put my feet on the floor I make a choice: “Today, I’m going to honor my wife. Today, I’m going to live for Jesus.”

The marriage journey is a fantastic one to take. There are ups and downs. But nothing is more rewarding than pouring into your TWO and having a life-partner you can fully depend on and love. Enjoy the journey. My hope and prayer is God will bless you in so many ways.

Who's your two?

We’ve all had dreams from an early age of what marriage might be like. For the girls, their guy would be dashing, Prince Charming, sweep you off your feet, a solid job, lots of travel. The dream of a husband would be robust and full. For guys, it would be get married and be intimate with your wife twice a day. And how many of us on both sides are still dreaming?

I’ve counseled many before marriage and couples that have been in crisis and what I’ve found more times than not is their priorities are out of sync. We believe we must find the one who will be everything we are not and fulfill all my life hopes. The trouble is, there is no one in all creation who can or will do that for you. The only one who can do that is God and I don’t know anyone human by that name. So, creating the reality of how things should be in our marriages is…

God is your ONE and your spouse is your TWO. That’s what Jesus says in Mark 12:30-31. “Love God and love people.” As a Christ-follower, we say “I’ll seek the one while preparing for my two.”

In Genesis 2:24, we are reminded we grow up clinging to our parents. But once you’ve discovered your two, you leave your parents and start building a life with the person you’ve chosen to serve God with your whole life. Once you get the priorities in position you’ll discover life is so much easier. Now it’s not to say there aren’t hiccups along the way. Life does happen as they say and there are adjustments to living. But when you have God as your ONE then everything becomes so much clearer.

A second thing we must remember is to protect those priorities. If you’re having difficulty in your marriage right now, it’s more than likely you have your priorities out of whack. One way my wife, Robin, and I have discovered to make sure we keep priorities is to serve God together.

We were in youth ministry together for 20 years and she brought so much to the table helping me with those teens and parents. We have been on many short term mission trips together. It makes me so proud to know I’m married to a woman who wants to put God first.

If your married with kids, remember kids are a temporary assignment. Sure, you’ll be parents your whole life but you’ve really got them for 18-19 years before they graduate and move out. You launch them to go serve God and find their two. But marriage is until death do you part. Don’t ever put your kids as a priority above your marriage. If you do, once the kids leave home, you’ll be sitting at a dining room table wondering who the person is that is sitting across from you.

Can I speak to the men for a moment? You are called to lead in your home. Not be a dictator. Not use power to lord your decision making. You join with your wife and love her like Jesus loved the church (Eph. 5:25). But you as father and husband who is a believer in Jesus Christ, you decide you’re going to be a family who is plugged in at church, who is serving together, who creates the date night for you and your wife, who show your kids what it looks like to be affectionate toward your wife, to join in community and get involved in a connect or small group. You give yourself to Jesus then give yourself to your family.

Make sure God is your ONE and your spouse is your TWO. You’ll find life and the journey that much sweeter and easier. Blessings on that journey.

Love and Marriage

“Marriage is what brings us here today…” This quote from the famous marriage scene from “The Princess Bride” is absolutely hilarious. If you haven’t seen this scene before, pull it up on YouTube.

Marriage is one of the constants in my life that is calming, refreshing, and soothes my soul. It’s because my wife understands me, like no one else. I can come to her with any given issue or celebration and she’s right there with me brainstorming ways to reduce the problem to ashes. She is also my number one cheerleader.

The first marriage is found in Genesis 2 with Adam and Eve coming together. The text reveals that God saw it was NOT GOOD for Adam to be alone. Adam had named all the animals and no one was a good match for him. Thank God that was observed. Who knows how life would look if woman had not been created.

God took a rib from Adam and created Eve. Not a bone from the foot or head. I think that is important to see. A companion walks side by side through life. She is not domineering nor walked upon. We both are created in God’s image. We compliment each other. I think of Sid from “Ice Age” when he says, “She completes me.”

We are called to be spiritually united as we walk together in life. If we call ourselves disciples, we must imitate Jesus in our marriage and our family life in the way we treat one another. We are called to be emotionally available to each other to help and support one another. We are called to be physically connected as well. Plan events to do together, share ministry together, turn off your phones and social media and just be together listening to dreams and hopes and fears.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. It’s two people fully committed to each other and giving God the glory in all of life. May you feel the love of Christ in your marriage. May you desire to lift up your partner in marriage. May your love and life be a real blessing for your spouse and best friend. Blessings on the journey.